JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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