Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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