All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
