Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
