You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
