I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
