Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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