how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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