This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
