he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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