i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
