I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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