my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
