Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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