and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Four minutes until I can fart!
my shit smells like andre
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
