You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I think my moral compass just broke
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