So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
