She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
