I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
