somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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