Sacagawea was the original milf.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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