The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
