mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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