If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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