Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
