Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
