I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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