I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We talked him into tasing himself.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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