I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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