he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
