apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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