so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He did a backflip because drugs
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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