I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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