Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
