I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
