Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
