She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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