Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
