Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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