She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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