I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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