i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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