Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
