Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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