my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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