Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
