Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
