literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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