I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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