just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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