I looked at my own cervix.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
