At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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